Dear Black Girl, Stress Is Killing You

Written by Bria Smith

Image courtesy of Braxton Prince

“ Oh, stress! Why do you hate me so???” I’d scream at it, my own reflection in the mirror,“ I never experienced you like this! So intense and invasive, not letting up anytime soon though desire your absence. My hair is falling out, my body is slimming, and my mind is rotting. All because of you. I ask you stress, what more did you want to take from me if not everything that I am?” 

Fall 2024 

One of the toughest times. Begrudgingly from my own doing. 

I faced stress head-on with closed fists and a hunger for vengeance. 

But, stress was winning! (Beating my ass surely) 

Stress led me to believe that I am unloved, abandoned, and manically nerved. It coiled its impositions around my body, and breathed delusions into me. I believed it to be my new reality, my focus point. I needed to do something! To feel something different, to reach out to others and find the answers of why stress loves companionship, and how often it is overlooked. So my research began… 

I hosted my first‘ Chronic Stress in Black Femmes' focus group at a radical bookstore called Print Ain’t Dead. The young black femmes who attended left NO CRUMBS; their honesty, vulnerability and hopefulness strengthened this idea that black femmes CAN navigate stress in this dark, dark world. We uncovered many topics that I have been holding close to my heart, learning and familiarizing myself to. It was so powerful, participants in the focus group asked if we could host more frequent meetings. I said, well yes! 

Here are the findings from those meetings; 

Homeostasis vs. Allostasis 

- Our homeostasis is our foundation. Our flatline for when we are feeling at ease, balanced, focused. Safe, if you will. 

- The derivation from homeostasis and entering‘ stress’ or‘ anxious’ states is a process called allostasis. Internal and external stressors can affect our mental capacities. 

- Internal; mental health, anxiety, anger, depression, 

- External; race, class, poverty, violence, homelessness, etc. 

Have you ever felt a weight on your chest? Struggling to breathe or navigate your anxieties and stress? It’s our bodies carrying an‘ allostatic load,’: the cumulative physiological and psychological ef ects of chronic stress on the body. This load can feel like an overbearing amount of pressure in our chests, throats, and abdomen, feeling as if we cannot unload it. To do so, we need to highlight where we are intaking internal and external stressors and where we store them in our bodies. Reflect, digest, change. 

Reflect on where you are feeling these stressors, digest and become aware of why it is affecting you, and change anything that is disrupting your homeostatic state. These weights can be lifted! With time and carefulness.

Debunking the Black Superwomxn schema and its characteristics 

The black Superwomxn Schema is a framework developed to clarify the connections between stress and health disparities among black womxn. They are: 

1. Obligation to manifest strength 

2. Obligation to suppress emotions 

3. Resistance to being vulnerable or dependent on others 

4. Obligation to help others, and putting others before ourselves 

5. Obligation to succeed despite limited resources 

Whew! These are a lot. Debunking these characteristics will help us reclaim our agency and freedom to live a stress-free life. 

Do you ever feel that as black femmes, we are the catalyst, or even the sacrificial lamb brought to the fire. We view ourselves as the key to all of the world's problems, yet our intellect is ignored and ideas stolen and squandered. We will give our last breath if it means unifying and supporting others. But that is NOT true! The black femme body has a presence that also needs to be nurtured and appreciated, we are flowers that require consistent watering and reassurance. WE NEED HUGS TOO! 

Reminding yourself that you are NOT the sole savior of others, but only for yourself, can help us debunk these characteristics and take back the innocence of self that we possess. 

To my beautiful black femmes it is OKAY to say no! 

It is OKAY to work on your healing. 

It is OKAY to prioritize yourself. 

It is OKAY to love who you are if you feel that no one else will. 

For you are not alone in this journey of self-rejuvenation and destressing. 

YOU ARE OKAY! 

Inner child vs. younger self 

We discussed that our inner child is our first introduction to love. We debated the difference between“ INNER CHILD” and our“ YOUNGER SELF” Because they are truly not the same. 

Our inner child is a piece of ourselves that we keep FOREVER. Our willingness to stay connected to our adolescence, innocence, fun, joyous and quirky selves, even while living in our own adulthood. 

And our younger selves are just that…. Who we were as a young person. I tasked the participants to think of what they would say to their younger self if they were to sit down and talk to them at a coffee shop. Would they be proud of them? Would their dreams have come true? Debates on its synchronicity shows that inner child and younger self can be defined differently from each other.

Now I ask you, reader, how do you honor your inner child? Before slipping into negative self talk and anger, imagine you are speaking to your inner child. Would you still say those mean things? Would you still degrade and berate them? What does your inner child deserve? Write: 

I hope you can show them love <3 

Healing Fantasies 

A healing fantasy is chasing a deluded perception or scenario of what healing can really look like. For example, we like to imagine things that are not true, or people will believe you to be something that you are NOT. In our groups we discussed that we can’t put people on pedestals, especially if they didn’t want to be there in the first place! 

We give more and more power to others that we believe to be“ better” than us, as it strips us of our own power in return. This illusion that we place onto others is not FAIR. We can’t get upset thinking about what will‘ fix’ or‘ heal’ you, and when these realities don’t come into fruition, move forward with grace, knowledge and caution. 

What are some other healing fantasies that you have been battling? Write: 

Relationships with our mothers 

My mama. Your mama. Our mamas. 

We analyzed the relationships that we have with our mothers and observed that our willingness to handle and combat stress came a lot from how they handled it. Do our mothers handle stress negatively or positively? How does the way they handle stress influence us? Most conclusions were that our black mothers did not handle stress well, and it would usually play as a representation of what we would experience in the future. Our mothers set a precedent for how we handle and take on the world as black womxn; their fears, their sadness, their happiness, their wishes and dreams. Due to external and internal stressors, we watched our mothers dwell over things that were not within their own doing. We watched our mothers become overwhelmed and sick with anxieties and depression. I watched my own mother put on the strongest face of resilience each day, tending to her household, my five other siblings, me as the youngest child. She wore her fear and anxieties well, preached to my sisters and I that masking was a form of strength and power, to never let our true feelings show because they could be used against us and make us feel weakened. But this is not true; our mothers were once young too, and reminding ourselves that we live in a cyclical society that does not honor black femmes, it’s important to re-meet our mothers and choose how we want to be! 

What would you say to your mother about how to navigate stress? Write: