This Girl From New Zealand is so beautiful

Written by Emily Brown

Image courtesy of Emily Brown

This girl from New Zealand is so beautiful 

I never finished my story from yesterday, all of the excitement is starting to fade and I’m starting to feel a bit bad about it all. Guilty, and ashamed. 

I chatted with this girl from New Zealand. She had invited me yesterday to walk with her and her friend but I was content in my solitude and wanted to be by myself. I felt sad about it because I wanted to connect with her, just not at that moment.

Today though, while I was eating, she was also having tea, and I invited her to sit with me and we got to chat more. It was so lovely. I really enjoy how she smiles and how giving she is with love. She is such a wonderful person...you can just tell. She made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I drank a cup of tea with her, jasmine, and then plopped my tea bag next to her on her plate. It was raining softly and the bright yellow of the house with the wet tiles glowed against the duller sky above. She was like that patio: soft and warm, like lying on a gentle rug before slow, crackling fire. I’m glad I got to pass by even if just for a little. Her friends came and they seemed very nice too, but I didn’t really want to talk to them. In truth I’m getting a headache, I think I’m getting sick again but a different sick this time. I feel a bit dirty. We followed each other on social media and I saw her last post was so warm like her, and that she plays guitar. After we parted I did click on one of the videos, and she was giggling just like she was with me and I wonder if the way I seem on video is actually how people see me. I really hope not as when I video myself I have this cringey tense way of interacting that makes me seem so desperate and also afraid. I wonder if that’s what people see when they look at me. My last post was of me half naked and when I posted it I felt empowered and sexy but now I wonder if maybe I’m anti feminist by being so provocative online. I don’t think it’s a bad thing but I hate the idea of people seeing the post and thinking“ wow so that’s the type of girl you are.” But I also hate the idea of me not posting something just because I’m afraid of people's judgment. I want to be free but I’m afraid that no matter what option I go with I’m committing some kind of feminist error. Either way, I did compare myself to her and though she was a much better human then I was. 

I keep checking Instagram to see what type of girl I am and it’s never the one I want to be. What type of girl am I? What type of girl do you think I am? Am I the type of girl that cares? 

“I keep checking instagram to see what type of girl i am and it’s never the one i want to be.”

My Instagram reels are starting to show me really pretty girls over and over again and I’m starting to take more pictures of myself. I want to be beautiful. I like being beautiful but I don’t know how to enjoy the festivities of womanhood without the crash of self loathing that comes with it. If I like makeup and lashes, am I not real? If I lie to myself about liking those things am I not real? I wonder if the girl from New Zealand thinks about these things, surely not.