If You Don’t Know Your Big Three, Please Just Admit That You Get No Bitches

Written by Leah (Bunny) Overstreet

“ If you don’t know your big three, please just admit that you get no bitches.”

This has been my quote of the summer, a sharp knife held to the throat of whoever dared boasting to me that“ they don’t even know what a rising sign is.” They usually laugh it off but I am perplexed every time. Like I cannot count how many first dates I’ve spent having a girl explain my chart to me in excruciating detail. Literally since the dawn of lesbianism, star signs have been an integral part of getting laid and falling in love. 

That being said, there is something suspicious to me about dykes miraculously avoiding learning their moon or rising this far into life. Oftentimes these people are smug in their ignorance, as if they’re like totally way too cool to connect with a girl in this frivolous yet revealing way. To me, it reflects a lack of curiosity about yourself. I think this is especially confusing for lesbians — men, I tend not to interact with these days — but lately, I’ve been meeting waaaay too many lesbians who play dumb and act like their zodiac sign hasn’t ever been a relevant topic of conversation. 

The typical pushback on zodiac signs is that it’s all“ made up”; a lot of people don’t believe the stars control our personalities. But I think this mindset is taking the fun out of it, and prematurely shutting down what could have been an interesting way to get to know each other!  

Zodiac signs don’t need to be prescriptive. My general philosophy is that it’s totally real and fated when it works in my favor and that it’s complete nonsense when it tries telling me anything I don’t want to hear. When I ask for someone's sign, I’m not asking for their personality assigned at birth, I’m asking about their relationship to that assignment. I’d love for everyone to elaborate and monologue about the inner workings of what makes them tick. Even if you don’t feel like your sign is true to you, I think it is far more interesting to meet, for example, a Taurus who doesn’t feel stubborn or materialistic in the slightest or a shy Leo or an unemotional Cancer. I am fascinated by the ways people try to reconfigure the puzzles of their zodiac chart to fit their personalities. In this reconfiguration, so much information is revealed that might have otherwise felt like TMI or difficult to word. It can feel intimidating to ask/answer questions like“ tell me about yourself,” but wrapping details in the frivolous ribbon of a star sign can take the pressure off and allow you to delve deeper. 

“Zodiac signs don’t need to be prescriptive. My general philosophy is that it’s totally real and fated when it works in my favor and that it’s complete nonsense when it tries telling me anything I don’t want to hear.”

You don’t even need to be an expert to engage. I myself only have a rudimentary knowledge of astrology, mainly collected from chit-chatting with other girls, comparing notes and adopting some of their opinions as my own. All I really know is my Sun (main personality), Moon (inner world/emotions), Rising (how you present to the world), and Venus (how you love) and I feel pretty much fluent in the language of the spiritual baddies. I think knowing more than just your sun also gives you more points to connect to even if you don’t super resonate with your sun sign.

For example, now that you know I have a Cancer sun you could assume that my main character traits are being emotional and nurturing. But if I explain that my Venus is in Leo and that I think it’s the most influential placement in my chart, you might realize that certain aspects of my personality actually come from the ways that I love and that how I love is actually what I consider to be the most important thing about me. My boldness comes from my passion for everything in my life: my friends, my lovers, my hobbies, my career, etc. This is often why people assume that I have a Leo sun.

I consider this Leo Venus to be my number one weapon of flirtation. For the right bitch, it’s sort of the ultimate panty dropper. It gives me a cute and totally chill way to mention that I’m a passionate, devoted lover who enjoys grand displays of affection and someone who’s eager to show me off. And, usually, this will prompt the object of my flirtation to rant about their own need for a passionate obsessive relationship and BOOM! We start kissing!

Especially in the arena of flirtation, zodiac signs are a powerful and clever way to weave your intentions on so many levels. Merely having someone guess your zodiac sign is a tried and true mating ritual.

The signs someone guesses tell you everything about how they perceive you, especially if you have them explain their reasoning. If they think you’re mysterious and sexy they might guess Scorpio, if they find you flirty and charismatic then maybe they guess Libra, if you’re bold and command their attention then they’ll say Leo. I’ve also found that, just as often, they’ll guess signs of their former lovers to see if they have a type. If I’m really into someone I usually guess Gemini, Pisces, Taurus, or Sagittarius. If I’m feeling super revealing I might offhandedly comment that I’ve historically fallen in love with Pisces or that I can’t get enough of fire signs even though they may be bad for me. Often I get told that Cancer women are incredibly captivating, this is an obvious chat up line yet an objective truth because Cancer women are perfect (yeah I’m biased).

Astrology, for me, feels like a plush padding to a conversation and a socially acceptable way to ask“ who are you and how do you want to be loved?” I think writing off certain frameworks of conversation as shallow and useless actually prevents you from reaching any level of depth with the person asking. Asking someone’s zodiac is both lighthearted small talk and an outstretched hand asking for connection. The depth of the conversation is merely a reflection of your own conversational skills and openness to humor the other person. 

At this point I consider astrology knowledge to be a staple of modern culture and refusal to engage with it limits your ability to socialize. It’s a lingua franca worth studying in the same way that internet abbreviations, social media literacy, and pop culture references are. Not having even a baseline knowledge of things like this is a gaping hole in your ability to communicate. This isn’t to say that zodiac signs are the only way to communicate, just that star signs are worth taking seriously and engaging with and the only reason they aren’t is because typically feminine interests are often made the butt of the joke. But fems do command the social culture and to dismiss our ways is to set yourself up for social failure. It’s the same internalized misogyny that led us to laugh at boybands and chick flicks and, this time, I’d like to be on the right side of history!